Writer Transformations

Hello. Its been awhile now, hasn’t it?

Its been awhile for me, too.

My freelance writer adventure is going into full swing. Its not paying well, and it is frustrating to no end, but its mine. That counts for something.

I have to admit something that I think most writers never want to when they finally “break out of the mold”: I’m unhappy. I love some of my work, but despise others. I don’t enjoy my minimal contribution pay-wise. I wish I could have more income, even just a little, but still maintain this creative integrity.

For the past month, I’ve been feeling like I’m on the cusp of a big break, of a change, for everything to fall into line and to finally feel “right” as a freelance writer. To find my place.

Trust me, though, feeling like that way for a whole month eventually feels like grinding your teeth down to the gums.

There’s so many possibilities ahead of me, but each seem to hit a wall.

I wanted to do some YouTube work on being “Creatively Disordered” but moving has made that near impossible to start, so I have to wait.

I could have great opportunities for reviewing video games, but not until after I go to PAX for work, really. After then, I’ll have a few reviews, commentaries, and journalistic pieces under my portfolio belt to show in applications. Until then, though, my content for that is lacking.

I applied to be a member of a site for bloggers with mental disorders, talking about their struggles, tips, and thoughts. I adore this idea because I am always desperate to try to use my writing to better the lives of people like me. However, I won’t hear back from that application for probably at least a month.

And while I appreciate the current work I have, I don’t have much, they don’t pay well, and a few outlets lack interest entirely. While I am happy to admit my flaws, its always hard for me to admit how bad I can be at working on things I don’t enjoy.

That’s why I’m so desperate for these jobs that I would. I thrive on YouTube videos. Video Games are one of my few truly, solely stress free outlets and I find them complex and fascinating. And I could write about disorders forever, trying to give them a better light. I just want people like me to be understood so badly. I just want to be understood so badly.

I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of exactly what I want. I want to be a freelancer. I want to make my own choices. I want to be like this. But I’m managing to do it exactly the worst way and its killing me.

Its magnificently terrible, the webs we weave ourselves into.

Undoubtedly, I’ll find my way out of this. I always do. If I can gleefully walk my way through college in 3 years, finish a (shitty) 200 page novel at 13, and navigate aggressive bipolar disorder while suffering being seventeen, I can figure this out, too. It just might take more time than I’d ever like to admit.

Here’s to hoping that after the move, I can get my work life back on track, too.

Because honestly? I just want to create. I just want to think, imagine, and build new things for people to enjoy. Its why I’m so attracted to YouTube; content there is so unique based on the varying people. Sharing these connections, ideas, feelings are just really important to me.

Just have to get moving halfway across the country out of the way first.

Being a young writer is one hell of a trip.